The Hopelessness Comes Creeping Back

So, the house is being foreclosed on in about a month.  I thought I had an apartment lined up and then I didn't hear from the landlord regarding my deposit.  I voice mailed/texted him and no response.  The apartment is still on line as available.

Fine.  Onward and upward.  So I spent the weekend researching apartments.  I got it down to the top 5 that I wanted.  I preferred heat included and a washer and dryer (for my textiles). Today I went to look at an apartment in a local complex only to find out that they want my monthly income to be 3x what my rent would be.  I couldn't even qualify for their cheapest apartment without the extras I wanted.

And the reason I chose the amount I get each month is because that is the most I can make and get Medicaid.  It's not just some random number I picked out of a hat and I'm not just being cheap.

I am trying so hard.  I try to do research and plan for Plans A-Z.

I feel the hopelessness wash over me a lot stronger than it has in awhile.  Suicide isn't the only solution like it was the first time but it's climbing the charts with a bullet.

Still got my stash.  I SO wanted to drink tonight.  Part of the reason I didn't was because it has snowed and it's icy outside and I don't want to fall and be taken to the hospital and be drunk.  And with the Dog and all.

Can't wait until she finds a home.  I can see where They don't want depressed people to be alone but that's when we can do the damage.  Alone is when we can drink and cut and burn and overdose.

Mmm-hmm.  When it's just me and the cat and I don't have to leave the house?  I'm drunk.  I don't care what the ramifications may be, nobody can tell me that they wouldn't do the same thing.  Or if not, they can see and understand why.

I go from angry, to weepy to hopeless.  Yes, I watch TV because I keep hoping it'll distract me from the anxiety and the worry.  The worry is 24/7.  I'm so tired of the constant worry.  The constant thinking.  I have to think about what to do with all the stuff.  I have to think about where I will live.  Will they take cats?  Can I afford it?  Will they let me live there?  Will I be safe?  Am I only go into a situation of fear and more worry?

No one can tell me for certain if I'm going to be okay.  It's just getting so hard to hope anymore.

It's all getting eroded away leaving me with nothing.