I burn. Some cut, some harm themselves in other ways but I burn. I burn patters into myself.
I do it out of sadness. Loneliness. Hopelessness. Worthlessness. While the world turns without me, I hurt myself to remind myself that yes, I can feel pain. Though I feel numb emotionally, I can feel burning metal against my skin. I suffer that.
I can't suffer society. I can't suffer loneliness. I can't suffer the universe going on without me. I suffer from a feeling of being left out. Left behind. Left alone. Having to work so hard.
Yes, I drink. It makes me numb. It pushes the depressive fog away like someone blowing into fog. It helps me deal with craziness and the depression better than the meds do.
Sure, I drink but don't put that on me. If I were not depressed, I wouldn't drink. I didn't drink when the depression was manageable.
It's only 6 p.m. and I want to go to bed. To sleep. To forget. To not feeling anything until the morning.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Monday, November 23, 2015
The Hopelessness Comes Creeping Back
So, the house is being foreclosed on in about a month. I thought I had an apartment lined up and then I didn't hear from the landlord regarding my deposit. I voice mailed/texted him and no response. The apartment is still on line as available.
Fine. Onward and upward. So I spent the weekend researching apartments. I got it down to the top 5 that I wanted. I preferred heat included and a washer and dryer (for my textiles). Today I went to look at an apartment in a local complex only to find out that they want my monthly income to be 3x what my rent would be. I couldn't even qualify for their cheapest apartment without the extras I wanted.
And the reason I chose the amount I get each month is because that is the most I can make and get Medicaid. It's not just some random number I picked out of a hat and I'm not just being cheap.
I am trying so hard. I try to do research and plan for Plans A-Z.
I feel the hopelessness wash over me a lot stronger than it has in awhile. Suicide isn't the only solution like it was the first time but it's climbing the charts with a bullet.
Still got my stash. I SO wanted to drink tonight. Part of the reason I didn't was because it has snowed and it's icy outside and I don't want to fall and be taken to the hospital and be drunk. And with the Dog and all.
Can't wait until she finds a home. I can see where They don't want depressed people to be alone but that's when we can do the damage. Alone is when we can drink and cut and burn and overdose.
Mmm-hmm. When it's just me and the cat and I don't have to leave the house? I'm drunk. I don't care what the ramifications may be, nobody can tell me that they wouldn't do the same thing. Or if not, they can see and understand why.
I go from angry, to weepy to hopeless. Yes, I watch TV because I keep hoping it'll distract me from the anxiety and the worry. The worry is 24/7. I'm so tired of the constant worry. The constant thinking. I have to think about what to do with all the stuff. I have to think about where I will live. Will they take cats? Can I afford it? Will they let me live there? Will I be safe? Am I only go into a situation of fear and more worry?
No one can tell me for certain if I'm going to be okay. It's just getting so hard to hope anymore.
It's all getting eroded away leaving me with nothing.
Fine. Onward and upward. So I spent the weekend researching apartments. I got it down to the top 5 that I wanted. I preferred heat included and a washer and dryer (for my textiles). Today I went to look at an apartment in a local complex only to find out that they want my monthly income to be 3x what my rent would be. I couldn't even qualify for their cheapest apartment without the extras I wanted.
And the reason I chose the amount I get each month is because that is the most I can make and get Medicaid. It's not just some random number I picked out of a hat and I'm not just being cheap.
I am trying so hard. I try to do research and plan for Plans A-Z.
I feel the hopelessness wash over me a lot stronger than it has in awhile. Suicide isn't the only solution like it was the first time but it's climbing the charts with a bullet.
Still got my stash. I SO wanted to drink tonight. Part of the reason I didn't was because it has snowed and it's icy outside and I don't want to fall and be taken to the hospital and be drunk. And with the Dog and all.
Can't wait until she finds a home. I can see where They don't want depressed people to be alone but that's when we can do the damage. Alone is when we can drink and cut and burn and overdose.
Mmm-hmm. When it's just me and the cat and I don't have to leave the house? I'm drunk. I don't care what the ramifications may be, nobody can tell me that they wouldn't do the same thing. Or if not, they can see and understand why.
I go from angry, to weepy to hopeless. Yes, I watch TV because I keep hoping it'll distract me from the anxiety and the worry. The worry is 24/7. I'm so tired of the constant worry. The constant thinking. I have to think about what to do with all the stuff. I have to think about where I will live. Will they take cats? Can I afford it? Will they let me live there? Will I be safe? Am I only go into a situation of fear and more worry?
No one can tell me for certain if I'm going to be okay. It's just getting so hard to hope anymore.
It's all getting eroded away leaving me with nothing.
Monday, November 2, 2015
November 2, 2015
It's 2:30 in the afternoon and I feel like shit.
And yesterday was such a good day, too. Was going to plant bulbs and "decorate" Mom's grave but Niece was with me and after I warned her that I might cry, she decided not to accompany me. And knowing how bored she gets and because I love her company, I decided to postpone my planned task until today.
Didn't sleep well last night. Kept waking up and then falling back to sleep. I'm out of Ambien so I have to get my refill today.
At the moment I am anxious and depressed. The ends of my fingers are cold and my chest feels tight. I hate the anxiety. The anxiety is new within maybe the last year. Prior to that it was just (!) the depression, sadness and hopelessness. Now I have bouts where I get a knot in my chest, a trembling stomach and the rest of my body quivers. Butterflies but not in a good way, more of a terrifying way.
Watching Night at the Museum and seeing Robin Williams as Teddy Roosevelt. I think a lot of us who suffer from mental illness were hoping that his suicide might bring the topic to "the surface" so people would discuss it but I'm not optimistic. I hope that at least it shows people that even the funniest, smartest, most successful and, in Williams' case, sweetest people get to the point where dying is better than living.
The other day I was on YouTube looking at suicide stuff and a girl did a video about killing herself. One of the comments from a viewer was, "Don't write about it, just kill yourself if you're going to do it." Asshole. Which makes me wonder if we (the mentally ill) can't win for losing. If we want to share the fact that we're feeling so hopeless and the pain is so great we want to leave this planet, we're met with impatience and disdain. But yet we're told by the professionals and other mental illness sufferers that we need to "reach out" and "share" and "express our feelings."
I've been looking at houses for sale up north near where Gramma and Grandpa used to have their cabin. Some I could pay for outright with money left over for updates Of course, the conundrum is getting my therapy and such in a very small town. Sure, there's a National Forest but what good is that if I'm laid up with suicidal thoughts 24/7. There's always the possibility that if I did buy a house and lived there it may help my depression.
So I guess I will get up and get the Foster Dog and go to the library and the post office and the pharmacy for my Ambien.
And yesterday was such a good day, too. Was going to plant bulbs and "decorate" Mom's grave but Niece was with me and after I warned her that I might cry, she decided not to accompany me. And knowing how bored she gets and because I love her company, I decided to postpone my planned task until today.
Didn't sleep well last night. Kept waking up and then falling back to sleep. I'm out of Ambien so I have to get my refill today.
At the moment I am anxious and depressed. The ends of my fingers are cold and my chest feels tight. I hate the anxiety. The anxiety is new within maybe the last year. Prior to that it was just (!) the depression, sadness and hopelessness. Now I have bouts where I get a knot in my chest, a trembling stomach and the rest of my body quivers. Butterflies but not in a good way, more of a terrifying way.
Watching Night at the Museum and seeing Robin Williams as Teddy Roosevelt. I think a lot of us who suffer from mental illness were hoping that his suicide might bring the topic to "the surface" so people would discuss it but I'm not optimistic. I hope that at least it shows people that even the funniest, smartest, most successful and, in Williams' case, sweetest people get to the point where dying is better than living.
The other day I was on YouTube looking at suicide stuff and a girl did a video about killing herself. One of the comments from a viewer was, "Don't write about it, just kill yourself if you're going to do it." Asshole. Which makes me wonder if we (the mentally ill) can't win for losing. If we want to share the fact that we're feeling so hopeless and the pain is so great we want to leave this planet, we're met with impatience and disdain. But yet we're told by the professionals and other mental illness sufferers that we need to "reach out" and "share" and "express our feelings."
I've been looking at houses for sale up north near where Gramma and Grandpa used to have their cabin. Some I could pay for outright with money left over for updates Of course, the conundrum is getting my therapy and such in a very small town. Sure, there's a National Forest but what good is that if I'm laid up with suicidal thoughts 24/7. There's always the possibility that if I did buy a house and lived there it may help my depression.
So I guess I will get up and get the Foster Dog and go to the library and the post office and the pharmacy for my Ambien.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
That's a Helluva Plan B
I can't believe that I'm seriously considering hiking thru the Appalachian Mountains. Over 2,000 miles. Well, I would probably start in North Carolina after a visit with Chris and then continue north to New York and The Finger Lakes where I'll drop my backpack at the local welfare office and say, "Hi, I'm homeless."
This is if I don't get the Social Security. This is if I have nothing left. It's more of a plan B and a half. Who knows, maybe the trail is where I'll meet my fate. I could soldier on and complete my journey or go off the trail and do myself in as I have planned before.
What's difficult now is trying to figure out my finances without knowing when my appeal hearing will be. I guess for now I need to live as frugally as I can until the hearing and then act accordingly to the verdict.
So I will start training.
But, true to form, I had to go on Amazon and find books about my trek. I would go to the library but awhile ago I checked out a Bessie Smith CD and lost the cover so they've frozen my library account. Man, I miss it, too.
A backpack. Something that I can put some weight in. Walking up and down the sled hill at Creasey Park. The big hill on the dirt part of Thompson Road. The trail I fell on during Field Biology. Maybe refresh my first aid training. Definitely some survival skills. Or no. Maybe I'm not doing it to survive it. Making I'm walking to my death. I'll just disappear into the woods.
This is if I don't get the Social Security. This is if I have nothing left. It's more of a plan B and a half. Who knows, maybe the trail is where I'll meet my fate. I could soldier on and complete my journey or go off the trail and do myself in as I have planned before.
What's difficult now is trying to figure out my finances without knowing when my appeal hearing will be. I guess for now I need to live as frugally as I can until the hearing and then act accordingly to the verdict.
So I will start training.
But, true to form, I had to go on Amazon and find books about my trek. I would go to the library but awhile ago I checked out a Bessie Smith CD and lost the cover so they've frozen my library account. Man, I miss it, too.
A backpack. Something that I can put some weight in. Walking up and down the sled hill at Creasey Park. The big hill on the dirt part of Thompson Road. The trail I fell on during Field Biology. Maybe refresh my first aid training. Definitely some survival skills. Or no. Maybe I'm not doing it to survive it. Making I'm walking to my death. I'll just disappear into the woods.
Friday, September 18, 2015
So Easy to Me
SO easy to kill myself when I'm drunk. I feel retrospective, curious and apathetic all at the same time. Sure, alcohol mixed with Oxycontin could be my ticket out of this consciousness.
September 18, 2015 WARNING: Writing While Drunk (WWD)
So I've been drinking, so what? Can you fault me? In the last year I have lost my mother, 2 dogs and one cat. I have had to quit work and it's unknown what will happen to me if I don't get Social Security. Wouldn't YOU drink, too?
I have a foster dog named Dee. She just got spayed so I expect her to be adopted within a week or two. Then I'm going to have to take a break until I move. Hopefully, I will still be able to foster but it will probably have to be a small dog only. One apartment complex says you can have two animals but they're combined weight cannot exceed 30 pounds. What the hell is that?
I'm excited about this blog. I'm hoping it will help me focus and accomplish what I need to accomplish.
I'm going to watch TV now. G'night.
I have a foster dog named Dee. She just got spayed so I expect her to be adopted within a week or two. Then I'm going to have to take a break until I move. Hopefully, I will still be able to foster but it will probably have to be a small dog only. One apartment complex says you can have two animals but they're combined weight cannot exceed 30 pounds. What the hell is that?
I'm excited about this blog. I'm hoping it will help me focus and accomplish what I need to accomplish.
I'm going to watch TV now. G'night.
New Title
Yes, I realize that I have changed the title of this blog. It probably won't be the last time, either. I'm about as consistent as the Michigan weather.
So why did I decide to start yet another blog? Because I couldn't find an efficient way to keep track of everything spewing from my brain. Things to do. Steps to get to goals. What should I do first?
I still have my journal next to my bed. That has become a nightly ritual. I don't see me stopping that. I'm hoping this will help me funnel my bedside journal, dayplanner and to-do's into this one blog.
We'll see.
So why did I decide to start yet another blog? Because I couldn't find an efficient way to keep track of everything spewing from my brain. Things to do. Steps to get to goals. What should I do first?
I still have my journal next to my bed. That has become a nightly ritual. I don't see me stopping that. I'm hoping this will help me funnel my bedside journal, dayplanner and to-do's into this one blog.
We'll see.
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